Where I End and You Begin

Your Cheating Heart...

2010-03-29T00:00:00.003-05:00

I've been mulling a point lately and feel a desire to share it here. Forgive me for it's muddled gathering, I'll try to be coherent as possible. The topic of cheating has come up and I've thought about it greatly. Almost everyone I know that has been in relationships, has been or has cheated. With varying degrees of outcomes. Most couples I know, break up. Whether right away, or some time later. Either way, the infidelity is an envitable cause of the parting. And for me, I don't understand it the way I should. I don't understand the allure of cheating like my peers seem to. I understand the temptation as I have experienced it on numerous occasions. That look shared between to forbbiben potential lovers. The curiousity of the other. What they are like in the behind bedroom doors. Or simply, what they look like naked. I understand it. Feeling truly wanted, without the history or familiarity of your current spouse or partner. All of that I understand. But what alludes me, is the reasoning behind it. When the act is thought out and the consequences mulled over, it is always the wrong desiscion. Always. When that look or wonder becomes the morning after, the magic is gone. Cinderella's slipper laying on the floor in a heap of clothes. You are left with guilt, shame and dissapointment. Because in the end, no one ever lives up to the hype. Like a blockbuster movie with a bad script and worse acting. It's never the passionate decadent event that you imagine it to be. And so you are left with the question of confession. And that question will eat away at you, and your current relationship. So why do we as a people fail to think of this "morning after"? In the interest in full disclosure, I have cheated. And I didn't feel very good about it. And of course I kid myself into thinking that somehow it wasn't my fault. That I had no choice. But we do have a choice. It's thinking ahead, it's thinking how it'd feel if it happened to you. And having been cheated on, I know that it is one of the worst feelings on earth. Your mind races, thinking the impossible. The images of betrayal looping through your head. And when I ever think about the possibilities that lay ahead for me to cheat. I think of the way it broke my heart and haunted me for months, if not years. And the few hours of pleasure it would give is not worth giving the one I love a severe amount of pain. If I was able to do that, then I don't love them at all. Forgive me for the preachy nature of this post, but it's the truth. When you cheat, you think only of yourself. And I am not the type of person to do that anymore.

Attempting to Ignore Ignorance

2010-03-21T23:14:00.002-05:00

With the recent passing of Health Care Reform, I have seen an influx of ignorance being shout from the rooftops of Twitter feeds and Facebook walls. Ever since the beginnings of the internet, politic discussion has expanded. This has brought plethera of differing views and theories on all things politic. What the internet offers is a place for all types of views to be shout from the rooftops for the world to see. It certainly feels great to be able to type here now, and know that my views can be seen by the entire populous. The flip side is that in this age of information, a lot of ignorant people can say anything they want. I just recently had a "coversation" via Facebook that I'd like to share here.
Status:
Jimmy C What does the government want to control next? Life liberty and the pursuit of health care...
Comments:

Kate S
hello socialism

Mallory L
where are my kittens hiding?

Kate S
obama probably aborted them

Marc Hooks
good god these comments are ignorant as fuck....

Kate S
our president is ignorant as fuck considering he just passed a bill against the will of the majority of americans

Marc Hooks
the surge in Iraq, social security, civil rights laws, etc etc were against the will of Americans... last I checked Americans changed their minds. And that Abortion thing... it's really ignorant because the bill makes sure that there are no government sponsored abortions. http://news.blogs.cnn.com/2010/03/21/now-incensed-over-anti-abortion-... See Morehttp://news.blogs.cnn.com/2010/03/21/now-incensed-over-anti-abortion-executive-order/?hpt=T1
You are entitled to your opinion, just make sure you know what you are talking about. Using the "Americans against it" argument is ridiculous. We elect politicians, we aren't politicians.

Kate S
i didnt elect obama. i am entitled to my opinion but any true american would agree with me. idc if abortion isnt government sponsored, they still arent against it and i can google things to make myself look smart too but im not gonna waste my time. yeah americans changed their minds because obama paid them off and dont try to tell me he hasnt ... See Morebecause it's been proven that he has. i live with 2 doctors and hear everything about different health care organizations that are given millions of dollars to support the health care bill. i do know what i talking about and if me making a comment about abortion is ignorant idk how you think its okay to actually abort an innocent child. its no different than the soldiers dying in iraq and those men and women have chosen to sacrifice their lives for our country but democrats and liberals seem to be so against that. hmmm...

I shared this to show what is out there. I am by no means always right, my opinions are my own and they are backed by education and care. What I think is wrong is blindly repeating slogans without rhyme or reason. Calling President Obama a socialist is just ignorant. It's tantamount to calling Bush a facist. And unfourtunatly, that did happen. And I disagreed with it then too. I will always respect your opinion as long as it's backed up with some knowledge. In this information age, it's a crime to be uninformed.

The girl above has proven that she either doesn't fully understand this administration or doesn't care. And I got to a point in the conversation where I gave up. I can't keep trying to have a rational argument with someone that will never allow my side to enter their realm. I don't hate conservatives or Republicans, I actually agree with them more than they seem to realize. But I do hate anyone that spews hate speech on either side of the political spectrum. So I have to make a decision to ignore ignorance altogether. As hard as that is to do these days.

Carpe Diem

2009-12-02T01:44:00.003-06:00

I was thinking about a phrase my father used to tell me all the time when I was younger. The saying goes "Don't put one foot in yesterday and another in tomorrow, you'll piss on today". When I was younger, I would always speak of how much "that time" was better or how great it will be when I'm "this old". My father would remind me to live for today, not piss on it. Much to my chagrin, I didn't listen and this affliction still curses me. I think we as a people constantly look to the past and yearn for days gone. How many times have we uttered "I miss high school" or "I had the time of my life back then, not like now". And if that weren't enough, we dream of when we have it all figured out. We go to school and wonder what it'll be like in "the real world", we get the "real world" and wonder what it'll be like to be married and have children. We get to there and long for days of retirement. It never ends. Whilst we are in the current time, we never seem to cherish it. In college, I was dating a girl seriously. I would constantly look to the day when I was married to her. Never realizing that in that moment, I was having so much fun. And that while I fantasized about the day, the white wedding wasn't meant to be. I never wanted to open my eyes to what was in front of me, I just kept inputting her into my future. Had I stepped back for a second, perhaps I would have realized that we weren't right for each other after all. On the other side, I now think of college and regard it as the best time in my life. I had a ton of fun, little responsibility and my whole life ahead of me. But when I was there, it seemed boring and meaningless. The fact is, I'm looking at the past with rose colored glasses. I remember the laughter and the fun, not the tears and the fighting. I look back on drinking with friends, not struggling to scrape enough money together just to eat. I wonder why we do this to ourselves. Why we choose to want a distorted version of the past or a hopeful vision of the future instead of taking in all that today has to offer. If I were to put all of my energy on today, and enjoy the moment perhaps I would have a better life. I don't know how to fix this, and perhaps I never will. But what I do know is that life should be about enjoying it, not being disappointed by it. In the end, I must consciously choose to seize the day and live it to it's fullest. Because what I need to remind myself is that yesterday is gone and tomorrow may never come.

Loves Labor Lost

2009-08-05T19:08:00.004-05:00

I read the other day that 94% of singles between the age of 20 to 29 believe in soul mates. This brought me to think about the reasons and ramifications for such a lofty percentage. First of all, we are all brought up to believe in true love. From The Notebook to The Beauty and the Beast, we are taught that love is in fact real and happens in all sorts of ways. Love is all around us in fact. But the thing is, I don't think we see it in real life as much as when we watch television or movies. How many times have we seen a couple and remark "they are perfect for each other! I just know they're going to be married"? How many times in our own relationship did we think we had "the one" only for it to end? I know this has a hint of bitterness to it and I don't want that to be the case. I know that love exists, I know that it is possible for two people to care about each other so much that they have never-ending, never faltering love. But in my experience, it's just not as common as we were led to believe. That meeting across a room, eyes locked, feeling of magic just doesn't happen to everyone. Some people think they are in love but only realize they were in fact in love with love. And maybe that's the problem. We are inundated with love stories from the start and all we have to go on is a series of fantasies and unreal expectations. So when we are lucky enough to love, we don't expect the day to day grind of it all. We never expect the "stupid fights" that turn two well meaning, otherwise rational people into screaming, red-faced animals. We never expect to hit the rough patches of insecurity, jealousy or just plain boredom. The movies do not contain scenes like that. And it leads us to believe that maybe, just maybe there could be something better out there. A relationship without all the petty bickering, or day to day issues. But the fact is, there isn't a couple out there that doesn't deal with that. That dream man or women doesn't exist, because no one is perfect. The thing some people fail to realize is that love is rare, it's unique. And despite it's inevitable problems it's something that you should hold on to and cherish. It's something you should fight for. There is no fairytale out there but there is magic to had. And when you don't work for it and stay true to it, you'll never achieve it. You'll always be chasing for the gold pot under the rainbow.

Not All Who Wander Are Lost, Just... Different

2009-03-13T02:43:00.003-05:00

In the last few months, I have realized an important truth. When someone in your life is gone, we have this way of freezing them in time. For instance, my cousin will perpetually be 9 years old in my eyes. For some reason, every time I see him I am surprised that he is a teenager still. And I think of the way I thought and the things I did when I was his age and realize I don't know how to treat him anymore. When I was 16 years old, I preferred to be thought of as an adult. After all, I was responsible and thought about issues most adults do. What I am trying to say is that when you lose contact with someone, you freeze them in your mind. They stay the same weight, height, have the same traits. But if you see them again later down the line, you realize that this was a collection of your memories, not a picture of the person they are now. So we, are inevitably shocked by the things they do or say or even how they look. For some reason, we never think about how they'd change, or grow. Or in some cases become someone you wouldn't recognize.
This has gotten me to think. Does this happen, these same changes, while your in that person's life? Do you carry on, never noticing the change because you still want them to be who they were. Or is it because of us that they don't change. Perhaps they are hiding this whole other person underneath the whole time. And it bursts out when they are gone. I guess we'll never know, but either way we don't miss the person that exists today. We miss the person that we imagine they are. And that person will never exist, no matter how much we want them back. Everything is different, and there is no turning back. The only solace we have is to think fondly of that person, as they were. And survive on that.

Acquainted with the Night

2008-11-19T02:52:00.002-06:00

I thought this poem explained what it is to be me right now...I hope you get it.

Acquainted with the Night

I have been one acquainted with the night.
I have walked out in rain -- and back in rain.
I have outwalked the furthest city light.

I have looked down the saddest city lane.
I have passed by the watchman on his beat
And dropped my eyes, unwilling to explain.

I have stood still and stopped the sound of feet
When far away an interrupted cry
Came over houses from another street,

But not to call me back or say good-bye;
And further still at an unearthly height,
A luminary clock against the sky

Proclaimed the time was neither wrong nor right.
I have been one acquainted with the night.

Robert Frost

I Survive by the Ghost of You

2008-10-23T23:24:00.002-05:00

Grief is one of those unexplainable emotions. It has depicted on screen, written about in countless self help books, and the whole practice of Psychology and Psychiatry are based upon it. The terrible thing, the part that I never hear discussed is the up and down roller coaster of emotion it puts one through. On any given day, dealing with grief you can feel numb, devistated, angry, depressed, an empty happiness, or simply nothing. And despite anyone telling you that there are set stages of grief, the truth is they come at random and at times together. Anger and sadness often get grouped, numbness and an empty happiness, or any number of combinations. Sadness or depression alone is not enough to bring me to my knees, but this constant pain and emptiness in my heart is. I don't often talk about myself on this blog because to my readers, it isn't about me. I write to normalize what you might feel or to awaken something that you didn't know was inside you or at least to give you a different outlook on life. None the less, I find myself having to write something here. I recently lost someone, and although I should feel anger or betrayal towards this person. I ultimetly just feel sick, sad, lonely, and empty. I feel like this pain is never going to go away and that I will forever walk the earth feeling like this. And I keep hearing from everyone that it will go away and I keep making excuses as to why this person being out of my life is good. But the truth is, it's not going away and I don't feel good. I don't feel one ounce of good in my life. At all. I have heard all of the rationalities and the common sense arguements, but I can't stop it. I find myself, hanging on any way possible. I look over next to me at emptiness and just imagine them there. I have conversations in my head with them that never go anywhere and only loosely predict their thoughts or feelings. I imagine waking up and seeing them and smiling like I used to, only to snap out of it and see that nothing is really there and the conversation I dream of will never occur. I don't know why we were built this way, this grand design by God to put us through this. And it's hard to find a reason or any sense to it all. And of course, I look to the future and wonder if I could ever go through this again. I wonder if it is worth it all. Is all the happiness I felt worth this pain...and my only conclusion is that if it wasn't, I wouldn't be feeling this at all. But I still wonder if I'll ever be able to let myself go enough to be capable of feeling this way again. So far, the answer is no. And no matter what sensible, reasonable arguements I put forth, the answer will always be no. This can never happen again.

Confessions From the Owner of the Humpty-Dumpty Heart

2008-10-11T22:16:00.004-05:00

In life some times, we put all of our eggs in one basket. Whether that be a spouse or reliving your life through your child's, or as simple as a relationship. But what happens when the bottom of the basket drops out? What if, that person and you just don't have what is "basket-worthy". What if they die? You are just sitting there, empty basket in hand and absolutly terrified of what comes next. See, what I've learned over the last month is that, there is no such thing as a break proof basket (to kill the metaphor entirelly). That is to say, that nothing in this world is certain. I have had my life completely turned around as of late and in turn I have become lost. And I've found that, without a proper view of life and a bit of self-actualiztion, it's a scary prospect. I have put my heart and soul into something that wasn't real. Because in the end, it became a jagged pain instead of a beacon of hope. And when the rug is pulled out from under you, you're mind goes a bit crazy. It seems to lose all sense of what is real and not, you lose all sense of what is good and bad. And when this happens, primal emotions come screaming out. Those being fear and anger. When someone functions on those alone, they lose the real person inside and become someone they hate. So, my question is... how do we come back? How do we find ourselves again and if we can, will it be the same person we left? We will be our own beacon of hope or will we succumb to the anger and hatred. We must fight this urge to become someone else, to latch onto the first thing with promise or to turn inward and close out other. Because, what we needed to do and should have done in the first place is put multiple eggs in that basket. We need to find a strength in others and in ourselves, brush it off and begin anew. We must build it better than before, knowing always that people will let us down. And we will be heartbroken, but this time we will not fear it but instead, expect it.

If it's Sunday...

2008-06-13T21:57:00.003-05:00

I'm going to break from my usual blog post to offer a look into the man that was Tim Russert and the profound impact the man had on me. Tim Russert was most famous as the host of "Meet the Press" on NBC. Almost every Sunday, I, with about 4 million other Americans, watched in awe as one of the most intelligent, and thought provoking journalists of our time informed a nation on the affairs of the country. If you interviewed with Mr. Russert, you had better been prepared to own up to what you had said before. Whether a speech to thousands or a personal interview, he'd dig up a statement that would blow you off message, and leave you scrabbling for words. It was that gift, that I admired about him most. He never let a politician spin his view on the facts, he'd somehow more than anyone else, demand the facts. I would often laugh when watching "Meet the Press", because I'd love to see his guests squirm. But none of this was for ratings, or political gain. It was a search for the truth. Tim Russert had a way of making politics idea-centered, instead of the "what I meant was" game. I first began watching him in high school, his interviews with Al Gore and George Bush made me realize that I had a thirst for politics. He lit a fuse in me, because with him politics took on a new life. Suddenly, to me, a seemingly dull subject was exciting. It was a discussion of ideas, the very ideas that I too discussed with friends and neighbors. Mr. Russert had a way of making all of these complicated issues, simple and understandable. He was a teacher, and he taught me well. Beyond television, Tim Russert lived an extraordinary life. He honored his father, and cherished the bond of family. He never cared about the money he made or the fame he received. He cared about his job, for which he worked very hard, and his beloved family. In his short 58 years on this planet he lived more than most ever can. And although I am deeply, deeply saddened by his passing, I know that his dreams in life came true. He lived a full life and one that I am truly envious of. He will be missed. Sundays and life will not be the same without him.

"Some men see things as they are and say 'Why?' I dream things that never were and say, 'Why not?'

2008-06-07T14:35:00.005-05:00

Robert F. Kennedy died on June 5th 1968, a little more than 40 years ago. And as I did with the 40th anniversary of Martin Luther King Jr, I wanted to write a few words about the great man he was and the reason the world is better off for having known him. Much has been written about the Kennedy's throughout the last 40 years and it's all been said. What I'd like to talk about is a personal admiration of Robert Kennedy. I first heard about him when my mother and me sat down one day and I asked her who the best President we ever had was. She wrinkled her nose in deep thought, and said "I can't be sure, but I will tell you who would have been the best" and with a sureness I had never seen she stated, "Robert Kennedy." It was then that I began my journey of realizing that I too agreed with her. And that Bobby (as he is often referred as) had offered an opportunity for this country we have never seen. In him we had a politician that truly cared, and one that saw the meanness of the world and hoped to end it forever. I quote his eulogy by his brother Ted, "My brother need not be idealized or enlarged in death beyond what he was in life, to be remembered simply as a good and decent man, who saw wrong and tried to right it, saw suffering and tried to heal it, saw war and tried to stop it." As I learned more about this great man, I wondered why I have never seen a man like him run for office. I saw politician after politician come up and say the same old promises with the same old lies. Their answers relied not on what was best for the country but what was polling better. They did not offer something that was different, as Senator Kennedy did. And I soon figured out why. The reason Bobby was allowed to be who he was is for two reasons. One: His name, because he was the brother of John he could be still be loved and devoted without be written off as a blind optimist. The people saw what his brother did and projected that upon him. Two: Most importantly, he had a persistence and stubbornness for what he believed in, more than any other man since. He was a champion for civil rights, a champion for peace around the world, and a champion for the little guy. He believed that all men should get a chance in this country. He believed that despite the differences we had with each other, that we are all brothers, and in turn our brothers keepers.
I'm not sure what his Presidency would have been like or if his vision could come to fruition with it. But what I do know is that he would have tried, more than any President had ever tried to make this country what it could be. And with his assassination, America's wound grew wider. Without him, it seemed impossible to overcome the vast odds ahead of us. And as I reflect, 40 years later, I see a country that is just as divided, just as hungry and hopeful of something different. I just hope this time we're ready to finally accept it. Because if we aren't, then our time may never come.

Ok.....that's it

2008-05-23T21:27:00.002-05:00

Ok...that's it! I'm sorry, I just can't do it anymore. I was with Barack Obama before by not asking Senator Clinton to leave the race. After all, this was a woman who received more votes, delegates, and legitimacy as any woman before her. And however contentious, and sometimes down right mean she was to Barack Obama I was willing to forgive her and provide her a proper exit from her campaign. She like anyone, needed a grieving period and who was I to stop her. But now, after watching the above video, I cannot do it. I will say it now, loud and proud....GET OUT! In fact, if I do not see Mrs. Clinton for a long time, I'd be much happier. As some readers know, Robert Kennedy is my personal hero. He inspires me to this day. The only other politician to make such an impact is one Mr. Barack Obama. I fear his assassination regularly and for Mrs. Clinton to make this reference is appalling and sick. I have heard her explanation and I do not like it. It's over Hillary, it's done. Now go away.

"Welcome To The Real World" She Said To me...Condescendingly...

2008-05-04T03:48:00.004-05:00

Call me naive, call me an eternal optimist but I still believe that this world can be better. I keep seeing a glimmer of hope, brightness in an otherwise dark world. For instance, my boss said something to me that shook me to my core this week. He pulled me into his office and after I explained how much I hated being treated the way he had been treating me, his words were a cold "welcome to the real world". Well, my answer to him was "The real world doesn't have to be this way, if you don't let it." Of course, his reply is the one I get the most, a simple scoff and explaination that inevitably pushes the blame to an unnamed foe. And here in lies the problem, the people that convey and progress this "the real world sucks" agenda are not the ones affected by the "real world". They usually sit in an ivory tower, laughing at us lesser mortals. It is us that get the ass end of this, not them. While they complain about the trip to Vegas they have to pull money out of savings to go on, you sit there wondering where the rent check is going to come from, or how you can make it to work on a sliver of gas. I agree that yes, life is hard and yes, you have to struggle and work to get by but what I do not understand is why these people insist on ignoring the things they can change. They sit idly by and watch as the people that work hard and attempt to garner just a little respect get fucked over. President Bush will sit there and have no idea that gas prices were going up to four dollars a gallon. ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8EWwrK0VQkY click link to watch video). The problem I'm seeing in this is that he should probably know that, but he didn't and he doesn't actually care. To him, sending soldiers to war or an economy that is faltering is not an issue to him. Those are not his children and his millions will be protected by investments and tax loopholes. I'm not trying to say he doesn't feel some compassion for the soldiers' families but it's the idea that he doesn't truly care. In the meantime, the rest of us are trying to climb the ivory tower, get to the the promise land. But every time we seem to get close, an ocean of shit splashes up and sends us right back down, each time more dejected. Eventually some people just stop trying, they sign up for welfare or any other government aid and hope they'll get by. Because eventually this constant uphill battle gets exhausting. You can only handle so much and it's just easier to quit than continue to work hard with zero results. This is where hope comes in. The reason to keep on going is hope. Hope that someday by hardwork and a lot of luck that we too, the lowly ones, can get to the mountain top. An idea that we too can achieve. And when we do, we will not be like them. We will be different and will help lift up others, so that if they work hard enough they too can achieve. And we will never make excuses, never explain that they don't deserve to be treated poorly because it's the "real world". And if that happens, maybe the real world will be a better place for us all.

Why We Need Another Martin Luther King Jr

2008-04-21T23:54:00.003-05:00

I'd like to start out by saying, I am not African American. In fact, I'm white, from the suburbs and grew up in a middle class family. What I am though, is an observer of our society and the state is in. And with full disclosure made, I will continue unabated.
During the 1950's in America an influential and charismatic figure emerged in our country. We was a preacher, and a son of a preacher with sharp looks, an educated mind, and as it would be seen, a fierce courage. His name was Martin Luther King Jr., and what he did for African Americans and this country as a whole forever changed its landscape. Most people know about the "I Have a Dream" speech or "The Letter From a Birmingham Jail" but what you may not know is the death threats he received and the constant danger he was in. Make no mistake, he knew that he would give his life for this cause and in fact he did. And on April 4Th, 1968 not only did he die, but a movement as well. A single white male, effectively cut the head off of the civil rights movement. In his stead there would be many that would try to stand up, but would eventually fail. From Jesse Jackson to Al Sharpton have tried to fill his shoes. Although they may have had the best intentions in mind, there is truly something missing from both. When you hear Martin Luther King Jr. speak, your heart fills up with hope and courage. He had an inextricable effect on people.
As a look at the state of America more than 40 years later, especially the state of black America, I can't help but wonder. Are we throwing away his legacy? Is black America going backwards? And if so, why and how? How did they let it slip away? If you look at statistics the rate of poverty among African Americans is at a staggering 24.3%. (2006; Census Bureau) One in four blacks is in poverty, and it is unknown how many are close to that poverty level. Compare that to Hispanics at 20%, Asians at 10%, and whites at 8%. You can also look to the high school drop out rate, worst for blacks right here in Wisconsin, is at 60%. I also, personally hear stories from teachers that are predominantly black. I hear them tell me how much they enjoy teaching freshman the most because more than 50% of the students show up. And that black students there are teased endlessly if they are studious because they are acting white. I wouldn't presume that these facts and observations come as a shock to the American public. The news we hear everyday, of the high rates of crime and the devastating poverty only serve as a fleeting reminder of the state of blacks in America.
I do not want this to seem like it's an indictment of a race, in fact is a problem that has had numerous parties at fault. The American public has given up on a large segment of this population and in turn African Americans have grown bitter and resistant to any intervention, especially by someone who is white. If we look at Hurricane Katrina, this failing was under a great microscope. Two news reports show a stark difference in media coverage of whites and blacks. Under two very similar photos shown below, we see that while white people are "finding food", a black person is "looting". The blatant racism in our society is not as it was in the 1950's, it was taken on an underground campaign. If this Presidential race has taught us anything, it is that racism is alive and well in America and it shows no signs of slowing, but perhaps growing more and more subtle. Between Bill Clinton's remarks likening Obama's win to Jesse Jackson's in South Carolina to Pat Buchanan saying that white America has lifted up blacks with food stamps and welfare. Of course, Barack Obama is not being called a nigger by a large majority of people and he does not have the KKK standing outside of his house but the remarks I've heard about him have seamed racist.
But unfortunately, there is another side to this issue. There is a trend growing among blacks that throws opportunity away. They have public school, scholarships, grants, and affirmative action in place to help along a society that is skewed towards white people. Yet, there is a large segment that still drops out of high school, commits crime at a young age, joins gangs instead of an after-school program. And however young they are, it remains a choice. When young people had a choice in the early sixties of marching and getting a fire house turned on them, or staying at home hoping that it'd change, they'd march. When black women had a choice of walking miles to work or giving in to a corrupt system, they walked. The choice then was to fight for equal rights, and so it is today. If a sect of society largely shows that they are unworthy, they will be treated as such. The inner city men that stand on the street corners selling drugs have a choice, however hard, to instead go to a college or seek out better opportunities.
As a result of this, we have the races at a standstill. With a section of white people not giving black people a chance, and in turn the black people not giving themselves one. This is not so different from the situation in the 1950's. The outward hatred may be gone, but the scars and bitterness remain. What America needs to get past this is another Martin Luther King Jr. We need a man that lifts up the hopes of African Americans while calling on whites to be the change. He'd call on us all to change the education system in inner cities and "black" schools to give an equal chance to all Americans no matter what color or creed. He'd call on all of us, to not feel pity or hatred for each other but to see an America where your skin color is not a predetermined destiny, but a symbol of pride and individualism. He call on us all to be better, because it's what we deserve. We need someone to carry on his work, not only to keep African Americans from falling back but to lift them up. I'm not sure how Dr. King would effect us today, which is far different than a generation ago. I'm not sure anyone like him could withstand the scrutiny of today's media or our ADD personalities but I do know that America needs him now, because I'm not sure we'll be able to ever do it on our own.

MSNBC U LATER!

2008-03-27T22:35:00.005-05:00

I'm not one to hate on media, well, not always. In fact, I love television. Without, I'd probably go insane. Life for me has been defined a fair amount by TV and who am I to turn my back on it now. But nonetheless, it's rerun season. For my two favorite subjects, politics and football, all I see are reruns. If you are at all surprised by the coverage of the 2008 Presidential election and how every little move is covered, you obviously don't watch ESPN. If Hillary Clinton sneezes mid-sentence, the voting public is in shock. How could this happen, is she really human? If Barack Obama goes to church at an admittedly odd place, we chastise him. How dare he support someone like that! He should be lynched. Oops, President Bush told me not to use that word. The point is, every word, every action is analyzed. Eventually, even the most ferverent of political junkies are just sick of it. This same thing happens in the world of football, America's most popular sport. Months leading up to the draft we get 150 mock drafts, Mel Kiper analyzing what every team needs, and why they should or should not trade up. I liken this to 2007 coverage. Everyone was asking, will Hillary win? Can Obama or Edwards sneak up on her? And then they'd analyze how they could catch up to the woman, sing the praises and chastise every single part of them. All of this, and rarely speak about one issue. Barack Obama could have an hour of presenting amazing ideas, speaking about them with an unprecedented passion, and all we'd hear is that he didn't attack Hillary enough. Once the elections became reality, it only worsened. The exit polls would not analyze why the candidate was voted for but the age, gender, and race of the person that voted for them. The networks would then, rather offensively make generalizations about those groups. I heard that black people do not think Barack is black enough, or that older women just vote for Clinton based on the fact that they want to see a woman President. Now, some of this may be true. But I know a lot of educated voters that would disagree with those assessments. What started as a hope for a future, and a President who could make that future a reality became this sliced and diced, over-analyzed, super-saturated bag of shit. If I listened to these news reports and gave them the credence the networks think they deserve, I'd hate every goddamn one of them. It's tiring. When the draft is over, I know I'll hear the same things and ultimately not care about which damn rookie showed up or held out. Pretty soon, it's all white noise, and eventually I'll figure out, that some 6Th round choice that no one ever heard of will be my favorite player and John McCain is a shitty President.

Children of Men

2007-11-23T22:59:00.000-06:00

Like it or not, at the end of the day...all men are trying to do one of two things. Either trying to make their father proud, or trying to piss him off. Maybe for some of us, it's a tricky combination of both. When we are younger we idolize our fathers, they can do no wrong and since we don't know any other fathers, we think of ours as "normal". When most of the time, they're anything but. And when we finally see him for what he is, a flawed, fragile human being it scares us. Not that those things are necessarily wrong, there just disconcerting when we realize them. So if it turns out that our beloved fathers are gentle and caring and all around good men, we will spend our entire lives waiting to hear the seemingly pointless words "I'm proud of you, son". Whether shown on the forefront or not, every child longs to hear those words. Just look at the kid at football practice, looking into the stands and hoping to see his father so he can show him what he can do. Of course, it's a useless venture because no matter how many times we hear it, it'll never satisfy our need. Like an annoying girlfriend who wants you to say I Love You every time you leave her, you will feel unfulfilled with not hearing it. And what you say, if you're father is a complete asshole? No matter how horrible then man is, no matter how morally bankrupt, you'll still long for it. Of course when he says it, it won't mean a thing. Because after seeing his life, you wonder what he wouldn't be proud of. "I'm proud you're not lying in a ditch somewhere" is about the only thing that he has a authority on. The problem is, as the saying goes, I always wish better for my son than what I had. It's impossible. Because in the end, you become him and in turn pass it on to your son. A childhood friend of mine had a father who was an abusive alcoholic. I saw this kid, this boy, get beaten numerous times. The worst part is that there was nothing he did wrong. It was that his hair was sticking up, or he had me over, or that he needed to hit someone and his own child would never hit back. I'd sit there with him as he cried, his face red with shame and he'd tell me that he'd never be like his Dad. He'd be a great father and he'd treat his kids right. Well, looking at him now, you wouldn't be able to tell the difference between him and his father. Like in Animal Farm, the pig turns into the dictator. There only one way to avoid it. And it's to change. Whether you admit it or not, you're just like him. Even the things you hated most. The only way to stop it is to realize it before it's too late. Self-actualization is the only way to break this wicked curse. And maybe someday, you can sit your son down and tell him that you make him proud and that he makes you proud everyday. And him becoming what you are, will be a good thing.

Love at First Shudder

2007-10-11T00:20:00.000-05:00

Throughout the history of man, no subject has been more discussed than that of Love. The reasons for this are simple. Love is all encompassing, it's ups and downs. It strikes us at our very soul, there is no better feeling that love and no agony like heartbreak. You see love everywhere, in movies, books, magazines, and of course music. But at the core, what is it that makes it so mainstream, so analyzed. To me, it comes down to a feeling. Sure there are feelings across the board pertaining to love, but there is one singular feeling that drives us all. Just like the American populous, it comes in all shapes in sizes. But those who have ever experienced love all know it well. For me, I describe this feeling as a tremble. I remember looking over at my object of affection and she smiled at me. This seemingly innocent smile was the one that just wrecked me. I was forever ruined for every other girl, my bachelorhood annihilated in one fell swoop. And since, I have never lost that feeling. Her smile just shuts me down. This is the feeling we all pursue. And no matter what happens, we will do anything to achieve it. This feeling is more powerful than all of us, it's more powerful than war, hate, and religion. It's a euphoria that is accessible. In religion, we cannot see, hear, touch, or taste God. But with love, we can see that love, sense it. When you look over and see a couple look at each other, you can feel it. And even if you look with loathsome at this couple, you smile inside. You know what happiness is and long for it yourself. It's why we keep going through pain, again and again. So that we can one day achieve that feeling. If you catalog the personal suffering as a result of love, it'd be an unbearable collection of history. But if you look at the magic of love, it makes all of it, somehow, worth it.

A Little More For little you

2007-09-26T15:11:00.000-05:00

It's been a while...I mean, you look grea- oh really thank y-yeah yeah no, I'm good...I'm just yeah-and you? good...well I was just gonna tell you....

I'M BACK! I've been writing again. Yup alert the media, alert the other person that reads this and let them know...it's coming back. I will have...MORE POSTS! BETTER POSTS! A fierce looking picture of myself that when you see it you'll say...wow that's Marc but the general public will go "who's that fierce lookin' dude and why am I reading his posts?" I just realized I've built this up, perhaps a little too much. Anyway...more to come, be excited.

September 11th

2007-09-11T23:27:00.001-05:00

I can't quite understand it but I woke up today with such a heavy heart. Throughout the day everytime I felt that my spirits were up, my mind would quickly retreat and once again a sinking sensation hit me. I have not felt this way since 2001 and even then a sense of confusion overwhelmed the horror. So today, some six years later I feel the real loss of the day. 2,807 men, women and children died that day. And after the endless stories of heroes, of firefighters and policemen, of common people doing the extraordinary, I think of the ones that didn't make it. The pure undeserved terror. I think of the consequences, the reasons why we still aren't so together like we were the days and weeks after the attacks. We had a chance to become a country that was united as one and we blew it. I think of all the losses, of both life and liberty that day. And you know, a part of me died that day too.

Game, Match, Insanity

2007-01-07T03:21:00.000-06:00

There's always been something I've been bothered by since I was a young child. And it's something that I think most people deal with from time to time. But for me, it seems to be on a level that few people understand. This affliction I speak of, is a mind that races. I know, I know. It's stupid, but sometimes I'll be just sitting there and it hits me. I think of 16 different things, none of which seem to matter. It's not chores or to-do lists in my head. It resembles more of a paranoid and at times a bit of insanity. It got really bad my Senior of high school where my head would have all my thoughts going at the same time at a million miles a hour. It'll make a person feel mad. So, I did the only thing I knew how. I did something until I was too tired to think, or consenstrated so hard on something to calm it down. I played tennis...a lot. More than I ever wanted to in fact. I just wanted to keep playing, otherwise I feel crazy. I'd go right after school, sometimes with a friend others by myself and play tennis for hours. I didn't know why I picked tennis, over say basketball or golf or something, I just did. Now that I am older, it's hard to do anything to get my mind of it. I've tried writing here, watching tv, playing an assortment of video games, cleaning, and re-cleaning what I just cleaned. But still, even when the thoughts don't race as much...I still feel it. It's too cold to play tennis now, maybe I'll look into ping pong. Besides it's easier to jump over the nets.

Are You There God? It's Me, Marc

2006-12-13T00:22:00.000-06:00

I'm going to hell! (have your attention yet?) Yes, it's true, or according to a friend of a friend (I suppose I'll call her that) I am. She told me that because I don't fully believe in Jesus Christ as the lord my savior, I'm going to hell. Which got me to think a lot more than I wanted her to cause me to. See, my belief in God is very loose, it's an acceptance that something made this universe and a hope that someone or someones are up there watching, protecting over us. But I can't seem to blindly believe in something that I have such little faith in. I believe in love, and kindness, and a goodness at the heart of all people. But when it comes to God, there are so many different forms or him/it that I'm not sure that my region and upbringing should cause me to choose one side or another. I have a very moral lifestyle, and a constelation of values that make up who I am. And I firmly believe that God, if he does exist, would be very proud of the life I live. I'm good to others, I always try to help, am rarely selfish. But this is not because of an inate fear or belief in something, it's because I believe that making others happy is the point to life. I believe that helping others and bringing goodwill is the key to happiness, within myself and as a society. But still I carry this feeling of guilt for not believing in a higher being. It's perhaps a product of 8 years of bible school and church. Every weekend filled with Roman Catholic teachings. The classes instilling that Jesus was our savoir and we she respect and love him as such. But I just don't. There's just too much ignored logic to believe. The hypocrasy of men who teach of love and forgiveness, saying that being gay is a sin. Or the amount of judging that religion in general takes part in. "Do not judge less ye be judged" or "Whoever is without sin cast the first stone", two phrases widely ignored in religion. I just can't believe in something that doesn't seem to have reasoning behind it. Why did six million jews die? Why did God let millions of people kill and be killed all in his name? I hear people say God has a plan...but why would he make a plan that involves so much pain and death? If that's his plan, I want no part of it.

For all those music lovers

2006-11-28T01:18:00.000-06:00

For all those music lovers out there....

www.pandora.com

it's a great music site, type in your favorite artist or song and you'lll get to listen to music like that for free. It's a great way to discover music that you normally wouldn't get a chance to listen to. ENJOY!

As for another post anytime soon....well, I'm working on that. It'll arrive soon.

Live Free or Die

2006-07-15T03:13:00.000-05:00

First of all, I apologize to my regular readers for this prolonged absesence. I was obssesed with a job, that unfourtunatly I lost. Well, it's not like "where'd my job go?"... I was fired. But now with that behind me, and a new lease on life, I shall forge ahead. I must admit, it's hard to come back. So, if you do not like this post, I will try to get back to normal form very soon.

In the few months I've been off, I've had this nagging feeling in me. I wake up with it, go to bed with, and it hangs heavy on my shoulders throughout the day. It's this tireless feeling. As if, I'm not doing enough, not contributing enough. Not the the world persay, but instead to myself. We walk through life just trying to get by sometimes. We go to work, go to school, hang out with our group of friends and other loved ones, but at the end of the day we miss something very important. This all important thing, my curious readers (I promise not to prolong this any more but still enjoy the thought of your hunger for my thoughts enticing) is time for ourselves. I don't mean a hot bath after a long day or going shopping because of a bad day at work. What I mean is a long term cure. It's reading a book, or going out and taking artistic pictures, it's reflecting on your life while driving for miles listening to your favorite album (my personal fave), or it's taking up a hobby that both interests you and enlightens you. For me, I'd like to take up guitar. I used to play drums, and let me inform you that when I played them...I felt free. Trully, unabashadly free. It was a release, a stress valve. But not only that, I impoved myself. I did something everyday to improve. And sometimes we push that aside, to another day. Let laziness and excuses get in our way. Go ahead, fight the good fight, make today the day you make the desicion to no longer skate by but to actively change your life. Don't forget what reading can do, or learning how to cook, or learning web design. You will feel better about yourself, and maybe in the end, you'll be free. You might not understand what I mean, but I hope that one day soon...you will.

Meeting People Is Easy

2006-04-22T01:20:00.000-05:00

I was working at The Buckle and as some may know, work is all I talk about these days. But I promise you one thing, I will not blab on and on about work once again. No, this is about something very different, but it all started to come to light working at The Buckle. My job basically consists of talking to people I have never met. I don't know anything beyond their sex, general age, and what style of clothes they wear. But yet still, I have to talk to these people and strike up conversations on a regular basis. And it has made me ponder on how it is I can do this time and time again. The job's main idea is to get rejected. You have to show everyone our clothes and basically have them tell you no, and for you to try again. See though, the weird part is....I don't mind it. I like the job, I love it in fact. And mainly it's for one reason. When I get rejected this much everyday, 40 hours a week, getting rejected in real life isn't that bad. I'm not just talking about women, as much as that is really quite applicable. I'm talking about everything in life. I find myself taking chances I wouldn't before, putting myself out there. I'll talk to everyone and if they don't like me...I'm used to it. It's works for job interviews, or rushing or whatever situation I find myself in. It's a very freeing feeling. I have no fear for what is coming, and that's pretty rare. So I urge, faithful readers, to do the same. Do not fear rejection, do not fear hatred, just fear fear itself. Ok, I do like JFK a little too much, but you get the idea.

Blue Collar Blues

2006-04-11T19:50:00.000-05:00

So I was having one of those "cigarette conversation", as I've so cleverly dubbed them, with Matt, the new kid that lives with us. And he was telling me about this job he had over the summer where he made cartons for food, laundry detergent, and anything you could imagine. And it got me to think, everything we use, everything that we see had to be made by someone. There are millions of people out there that have these shit jobs of making stuff for people, that are completely oblivious to there existance. You know all those books you read for class, you don't think about it but those are refurbished. And who does that? Why I used to, and hundreds of others in a warehouse in Woodridge, IL. It's just odd that we don't ever think of how something got to us. Your cell phone, TV, febreeze, cologne, pepsi, cigarettes, your CD, that condom that you needed oh so much. It's all made by people, people that had hopes and dreams of something better. A life where they go to work happy, fufilled. I suppose it's good that they actually have a job. I just couldn't imagine doing that with my life. I couldn't go in everyday and do a job like that. In a way, with some jobs, there's a lot of honor. The construction workers that built the Sears Tower still hang out, they have a little club that meets and everything. And because of these workers, we have a beautiful skyline to look at. I just don't think I could ever be one of those people. I have this idea in my head of something better, where I could help people, where I could affect lives. I hope I get to do that. If not, Follett is always accepting people.

Family Matters

2006-04-06T20:56:00.000-05:00

There are pros and cons to everything, but perhaps the most complicated is the friendship/aquaintance pro/con study. Every friendship has peeks and valleys, but when do you cut one off completly? And some still, you can never cut off. Being in a fraternity adds to this. Any family situation makes it hard. What do you do when you have to see someone everyday, but you really don't want to? These are the people that know all these secrets about you, they know who you truly are and they have this special inside look. They can use this power to tell all your friends, the ones that you can keep secrets from. And then this protective wall is down, without your consent. It's hard to mantain the "badass" rep, when someone has seen you cry over a girl. Or it's hard to be "the sensitive guy" when you didn't care about a friend in need in the past. All these faults, these mistakes are put front and center in your life. And all those people you wouldn't let in, are suddenly asking personal questions, the answers already swirling around in their head. It's frustrating. I'd like to think it's helpful, but there's got to be order to these things. I can't just meet someone and tell them that I had this horrible childhood and all the details. It just doesn't work, but somehow I'm here...dealing with it.
Next Post: Less character study, more talk of love and life

I Wanna be a Kennedy...

2006-03-31T01:30:00.000-06:00

I've dabbled a little into politics with this blog with the "protesting" post. And all I spoke of is the question of war, whether we need it or not and how it affects us so. Continuing in that same stream, I'd like to write down my thoughts on government in general.
My favorite current politician in office is Barak Obama. He is a senator from Illinois, who took office in January '05. The reason I like him so much is his true passion that he can change the world. He, like me, has a blog that he writes in on a regular basis. This blog, also like mine, is just a device to get truth out to the general public, as well as his positions on current affairs. When I first heard him speak at The Democratic National Convention in Boston, I became truly and deeply inspired in the government and politics. As millions of viewers looked upon this black, young man which most of the people had never heard of before, he spoke truthfully and almost bluntly about America's future and his dream for it. He never got angry, never frustrated, never tired, he instead got hopeful about America. And honestly, I don't know many people that can do that today. Read the whole thing @ This Site. If you read about his story, you'd think you were listening to someone talk about 50 Cent, or a death row prisoner. You'd never think that someone who grew up the way he did would end up being a senator, and have his name brought up as the potential first black President. I now know, although only slightly, what it must have felt like to listen to John F. Kennedy. I now know why so much hope and love was showered on that man. Barak Obama is cut from the same cloth. Everytime he speaks, you listen, because history could be happening at that very moment. I can't think of any politician who can offer that same thing. It's once in a generation, and for me to see it from the start is magical. It kills me to wait 6 more years for him to get a chance at Presidential election. America needs him badly and I fear what any other person would do. If you haven't gotten a chance to see what an amazing person Barak Obama truly is then please do. These website's will help: His Official Site
His Blog His unofficial site...with video of DNC speech

Next Post: Less politicial idealization, more my life, the universerse and everything

The Ocean is for Dreamers

2006-03-20T20:31:00.000-06:00

So, I went on Spring Break this last week. And I sat by the ocean a lot. And as I looked upon this vast body of water with nothingness surrounding it, I began to think. And I didn't stop for a very long time. I just kept thinking, and the sound and sight of this beautiful ocean was a perfect backdrop for that. The ocean is for dreamers, and if you are a dreamer it is the best setting to do so. There's something about that atmospere that just makes your mind open up to all the possibilities of your life. It's something I wish I could do more.

Unwell

2006-03-19T17:58:00.000-06:00

Today's not good...I needed something else to come back to...I needed to take a permanent vacation from here. When you lose everything you have you have everything to win.

Time to start over
Time to be reborn
Walls closing in
Very tired
Very confused
Feeling trapped
Life turned 180 then 360
Too much at once
Today, I'm struggling
I'm not supposed to put any of this here, that's why I am

Backstab Lovesick Singalong

2006-03-10T03:24:00.000-06:00

When the most important thing in your life betrays you, where do you go? Everyone has crutches, whether it be a girlfriend, a parent, or an organization. And what happens when that person/thing turns it's back on you or does something that you can't forgive? The feeling is terrible. You feel lost, alone, confused. It's strange how something you hold so dear to your life can become to shameful to think about. If your girlfriend cheats on you (don't worry mine didn't), you feel this complete sense of hopeless. Because when you were hurt or needed anyone, you turned to her. But now that person is the one causing you pain. It's almost unbearable. You look at them and see all the beauty they used to have, all the passion you felt towards them...but at the same time, they are now very ugly. So what do you do? Do you forgive them? Do you cut them loose? Either way, you're unhappy. You can't win. And because of this, you're stuck. When you have to choose between two hurts, which one do you choose?

I was very hurt by people I once thought of as the only people that truly cared about me. And I guess that it's not true. Has anyone truly cared? You might ask this to yourself a lot, because I do. I have ex-best friends and ex-girlfriends, strewn about...all failed in some way. I've had more people betray my trust then keep it. So what do I do, eternal optimist that I am? I keep trusting, only to get hurt again and again and again. That's life though, this series of dissapointments, one after the other. Until, maybe that slight chance that there will be someone or something that truly truly cares and will never let you down like that. That's why we keep going, that's why we get into a new relationships and new friendships, even with that terrible risk looming overhead. Because when you find that person, you are given true pure happiness. I just didn't realize it would happen to me this time.

"Why do we fall down? So that we learn to pick ourselves up again"
-Batman Begins

Everybody's Working for the Weekend...err payday

2006-03-06T23:40:00.000-06:00

So I got a new job, at the Machine Shed. It's a country restraunt. Which is weird, because I hate food and country is exactly my thing. I should work at a place that has hip music and serves alcohol, but a job's a job. Which brings me to my point, jobs suck. Yes, I just did state the obvious. What isn't so obvious is that, not everyone hates there job. Or feels like quitting everyday. I don't think I've ever had a job that I didn't feel like quitting from day one. The only thing that keeps me going is that wonderful feeling of recieving a paycheck. You all know how it is. You get this piece of paper, and it means that for the next 24 hours, you are happy. A puppy could be hit by a semi, and you'd shrug it off, because...tonight you'll be able to go to the bar, or out to eat, or buy that sweater that every girl will love you in. That's why we do it. We work our asses off for a short period of bliss that follows the paycheck. Bills will get paid too of course, but I'm not the only person who could care less about bills. I guess that's it. That should hold over the faithful for now...I'll write a much better one very soon. Oh...and to my faithful readers, post a comment or something...to let me know you're there.

Next Post: Longer, dirtier, exciting and awe inspiring

Protesting in the New World

2006-02-13T05:17:00.000-06:00

I am sitting here, up late as per usual. And I get this rush of memories overcoming me suddenly. I was watching CNN and they were talking about the war...and I suddenly remembered when it all started. I was sitting in my Cardinal Stritch dorm room debating the need of such a war with anyone that would listen to me. It was the end of February, and CNN and Fox News were filled with talk of war. To go back even further than this, I remember having a discussion on Sept. 11th, right before I found out about the attacks. And my English teacher was saying that we were part of this generation that did not know war. We were naive, and we thought that it could never happen again. Vietnam was so horrible, and no one wanted to experience that again. And I remember thinking that as I watched the bombs come down. I remember thinking that we are in trouble and that we are going to experience more than we ever knew how to handle. And as I watch the death toll add up, I remember the eutopian society that we experienced for most of our lives. Times of growth, solving internal problems, and general happiness. And the war didn't really hit me until I was in my friend Jeff's apartment in Boston. We were playing some ESPN football, when all of the sudden we heard whistles and chants and drums....and we looked out the window to find about 2,000 people marching the streets. This was something of dreams, only seen on history videos. So we rushed out there, eager to be a part of history. As we get on the street, I remember Jeff, like a child trying to take it all in. With me feeling very out of place, like we had hit a time warp back to 1969. "Stop the killing, stop the war!" could be heard throughout the crowd, and I joined in those chants. I stood next to this kid, who couldn't have been older than 7, and seeing his face. The world he would grow up in, would be much different than mine. I remember feeling like we could do something about the war and if enough people protested, we could change the mind of the government...I was so wrong. I later found out that Boston wasn't alone. In almost every big city, there was a protest. But it did nothing, and we are still in a war. I currently know only one person in Iraq, my fraternity brother Jake. I worry about him everyday, literally. And check the list of the dead every chance I get. And everytime I do this, I get very scared. I can't say that there is no reason for war, but the reason we're there isn't justify-able. With 2,267 killed and 16,653 wounded...it hardly seems valid. It hardly seems right. There are 850 U.S. soldiers getting killed every year. And it doesn't seem to stop, it doesn't seem to have an end. I can't imagine the countless family members and friends that grieve every day. It's unbearable. It's too hard to think about.
Next post: Less liberal idealogy, more extistentialisn

Love is a Marathon

2006-02-12T05:27:00.000-06:00

As Teddy Geiger writes "love is a marathon...slow down and pace yourself 'cause when it's good it's a long open lord". I've been thinking about this idea of love lately. I've been in Love before, and am in love now...but it's hard to define either. Because love is not a definable entity. This was all brought on by reading (again) the wonderful novel, "Love in the Time of Cholera" by Gabriel Garcia-Marquez. It's about this guy who sees this girl one day and immediately falls in Love. He continues this love for more than 50 years even though in that time, they live very far apart, she gets married, and she even rejects him. He keeps this idea of love in his head, even though he has no idea if it is returned. I'm amazed by that thought. And I'd like to believe that love conquers all, that true love finds a way. But it's hard to know. I know that it's a common feeling though, there a reason that all those women love "The Notebook". My brother and his girlfriend found a way to get back together and make it work. That amazes me, and makes me wonder. Could I, hopeless romantic that I am, stay with the course. Still keep a piece of my heart for someone that is long gone, someone that would move on? Is there anyone out there that could Love me like that? I'd like to think so...but could it just be a notion left to movies and books? For my sake, I'd hope not.

Next Post: More James Bond, less awww isn't that sweet

Music=God

2006-01-30T02:10:00.000-06:00

I don't what it's been, but lately I haven't had the same creative feeling that usually associates with these entries. So I apologize in advance, my faithful readers for this sub-par writing

I've discussed my love of music in this blog before. And then I couldn't get the right words for it. So I went to the music store, Exclusive Company, the only real music store left these days. And I picked up "The Replacements: All for Nothing, Nothing for All". Filled with this album are stories of various people's love of the band and there varrying reasons for it. And I began to think of the first time I saw certain bands live and the first time I listened to them. And however long this may turn out, I thought I might go through my favorite bands and discuss them.

Wilco:
I first listened to Wilco on a bus, my friend Jeff gave me his walkman and told me to listen to this band. They were rooted in country, but they'd blow my mind. Boy, was he right. From note one, I was emanormed with this band. The album was "Summerteeth" and every song seemed to have the difinitve purpose of changing my life. When I saw them live, I was fully in obsession. It was right before I was to go to college, and it was the hottest day of the year. The place wasn't air conditioned to any degree. Not so much as a fan was on. So as soon as you entered the place it was hot. Now imagine 2,000 more people in a small place. But I stood there, for almost 4 hours just listening to this band that had so much effected me.

Radiohead:
This is my favorite band, and there's a reason for it. The first I ever heard of Radiohead was "idioteque", and I found myself bopping my head and thinking "wow, how can something this fun and danceable have such great lyrics and have such an eery-ness about it?" It threw me for such a loop. And my friend told me to buy "OK Computer". I agreed and took it immediately home and played it alone in my room. It was a rare event that I could be alone in my room for a full hour without being bothered, but it happened. I remember being on the computer and just stopping what I was doing, and just sat there listening. It was this amazing feeling, listening to this album. I knew my life would never be the same after that. It's strange how music can do that, just throw your world upside-down. For those of you who haven't experienced it, you have no clue what the hell I'm talking about. For those of you who have, you have a slight smirk on your face, that says "yeah, I remember that". It was one of those albums that just does that. You throw out all your other musical tastes, that band that you can't live without suddenly seems like old news. You want more of this...it becomes a drug. A high you chase but never get again. And that's what I do, everyday is chase after that feeling. Looking always for a band that will just knock me on my ass. This month it's Teddy Geiger, but he's not it. The kid's got talent but he's not at that stage to make me feel something beyond me. The first time I saw Radiohead live, well, I'm not sure I could ever do it justice. But I will say that I felt like I was part of something that was going to change the face of the world, but it didn't....it just changed me. I will NEVER EVER forget the feeling after that show. The feeling of elation and wanting to dance through the streets of Chicago (which I actually did), waiting for our train to come and just talking to all the other people who just saw what I did. Like we witnessed the atom bomb, we just felt like it was so important.

Pearl Jam:
Single Video Theory? What's this? I remember asking myself looking through my brothers videos. So I pop it in, and my first favorite band (later to be pushed down to 2 by the previously spoken of Radiohead) had made it's impact. I watched this movie, about how Pearl Jam came to write their "return to glory" album Yield. And watching the way these guys played, and watching Eddie Veddar's singing and his intensity, it shook me to my core. I knew that this band was it, this was the band to take me through the rest of my life, the one to describe my every feeling and be there right along with me, feeling it. You only have to listen to Indifference once, and you'll see ever single thought of my high school life. This feeling of hopelessness, the feeling of being alone. This overwhelming feeling of wanted to do so much, but being able to do so little.
Here's the lyrics: Indifference

I don't know if I truly did myself any good on trying to explain the unexplainable...but I have to try. B/c someone has to know. You know, the funny thing is...I don't think I've told anybody why "Indifference" truly matters...and I won't here. B/c, in a way...you have to earn it.

Next Post: Better writing, less introspection

I am Jack's femine side

2006-01-20T05:53:00.000-06:00

"We're a generation of men raised by women. I'm wondering if another woman is the answer we need" -Tyler Durden

Fight Club, a fairly amazing film about men beating each other up and wanting to be someone you aren't, only to realize it's dire implications. When I first saw this movie on DVD, I rewound that part about 100 times. What he said hit me very hard. In the last post I spoke of the fact that my father wasn't around too much when I was younger. So I, like Tyler and "jack" was without a father for most of my life. I was raised mostly by my mother, and she in turn treated me like a daughter. I baked, and shopped, and became ultra-sensitive. And this is how I entered the post-pubecant world. I hung out with mostly women, relating to them more than men. I only had one best guy friend at a time, with women surrounding my life. I've spent my entire life with women, and because of it I'm a better person. I'm a good boyfriend and friend because I'm more sensetive and a better listener. When I joined the fraternity though, I was very lost. I was confused on how to talk to guys. I remember watching the other guys as a way to find the norm. For a long time, I was very nervous around guys, worried that'd I say something wrong. A conversation with men is much different. It is full of gay jokes, belittling women, and a lot of judgement. It's much more harsh than hanging out with women, but it's real. With women, they're afraid to step on toes and offend, whereas men they're true, they tell you blunty how it is. Yet I find I relax much more with women, I'm more myself...and I like that. So maybe Tyler Durden was wrong about that statement afterall.

Back in 'Nam

2006-01-17T17:18:00.000-06:00

"Fathers are weird creatures you know" -Dawson's Creek
Now i know what your thinking...how can this kid be intelligent and still watch that stupid show. Well, I do. It's what they call guilty pleasures. Enjoying something that you know you shouldn't and are ashamed to tell your friends. A lot like Kelly Clarkson's song "Since You've Been Gone". Admit it, you love that song.
But back to the original topic...Fathers. They are weird creatures. You grow up with them as these mystical figures, larger than life. When you're in grade school, they are everything you want to be, even if they aren't all that great. And then those wonderful puberty years start, and you begin to question everything they are. I remember thinking my Dad was this awful person. He never seemed to care for my mother the way I thought he did, and he never seemed to care about me the way other Dads did. And this is partially true of those days. My Dad wasn't exactly "father of the year" for most of my life. But even the things he did well, I questioned. I hated him for not letting me go to McDonalds, or for being hard on me with grades. I used to lie awake at night, concocting ways to "overthrow" him. The truth was, I knew that they cared about me more than I them. I was 12 years old, and when you're 12...parents aren't seen as a neccesity. So I'd have hunger strikes and talk about how I'd kill myself, it'd worry my parents to death and they'd do whatever I wanted. This is what I did. And as horrible as it sounds, it made sense in my head. Parents were the inherent evil, and I was waging war on that evil. As I grew older, I noticed that my Mom had this infinent wisdom that I didn't like admitting to, but needed to learn from. She had none of the opportunities that I was to be given, yet she worked so hard to make my life better. She wasn't bitter, she took her lot in life and did the best she could. My Father, meanwhile, hated the fact that I was so spoiled. When I was about 19 years old, he told me that I needed to grow up. I was shocked by this because I always thought of myself as "mature beyond my years". He then told me that when he was my age, he was in Vietnam. This sent a shockwave of guilt through me that I haven't quite shook. It's not his fault by any means, but it made me think that maybe I did need to grow up. My Dad's youth had been blindsided by this horrible war, that unwillingly took him away from his carefree innocence. War changed him, he was a wreck after the war. He didn't fully recover for a long time. I'm reminded of this scene from a Vietnam movie with Charlie Sheen (anyone know it? I'm lost). Charlie gets to Vietnam and some guys ask him how long he's been there, he says only 2 weeks and the other guys say they've been there for 10 and 11 months. It's this horrible feeling, like he has a life sentence for doing nothing but being 18 years old. For some reason, everytime I see that part, I'm reminded of my Dad and how horrible it must have been to be there. Now as I am very near my 22nd b-day, I suddenly find me and my Dad very similiar. I am starting to become more like him. His charm and personality rub off on me. And I think it's partially him becoming more like me too, as weird as that sounds. In an effort to bond with me, he began to understand me. I'll be the first to admit, we're not your picture perfect son-father duo by any means, but it's really nice to see that we can relate to each other now. It's something that I never thought I'd find, and it's really nice to have.

Next Post: Girls Girls Girls Girls

Disjointed mess...and finally Entourage

2006-01-09T20:04:00.000-06:00

There are about a million thoughts streeming through my head...and about 8 blog posts within all that. I have two hours to write and so I'll sit down and I'll write, with a various smoke break innertwined. So I apologize in advance, this is going to be very very messy.
Topic 1: Music
It is a very difficult thing to explain my love for music. In fact there is only maybe one person on this earth that has come close to understanding it. It's a very private thing, to be alone with this celestial thing. It's extremely internal, and therfor no one can truly see what it means to me. And the only way I can describe it is, when I'm sitting there listening to music, to make someone a MixCD, it's quite hard to really do. I love this music and it has changed my life. But I don't want to let them listen to it, too soon. They have to go through "the education" first. And even then, it might not be their thing. They may hate it, because it's "too whiny" or makes them "depressed". So I get frustrated because all I was trying to do is show them who I am. That's my best way to describe myself, through music. It seems like a ridiculous notion too. The songs lyrics don't spell out my life, hell sometimes they have nothing to do with it. But it's affected me in a way that it's important. And if you can crack that code, you learn who I am. It's hard though, and few people can do it. They write it off, because after all, music isn't everyone's muse like it is mine. But if you listen to Pearl Jam's Indifference or Radiohead's Exit Music (for a film)...you are that much closer to figuring me out.
Upon thinking of it, I'm almost impossible to figure out. Even for myself, and I take pity on those that try it. I don't think that I should be pegged "mysterious" or anything like that. But I am a man of many masks...and on any given day, I change from one person to the next. I'm a feminine male with masculine interests. I'm super sensitive but hard as a rock. I am exteremely energetic but always tired. Etc etc
Topic 2:
I keep wondering why I care about the world so much. I read the news everyday, watch CNN/Fox news/MSN before I go to bed every night. And all I hear is the same crap. And I don't care anymore. I'm completely emotionless about it. 12 miners dead...who cares. Alito being questioned...hope he dies, if not enjoy judging and such. And I do feel for these people most of the time. But it alls adds up eventually where you become desensitized to it. You can't be shocked anymore. And it really really sucks.
Topic 3:
I kinda promised myself I wold discuss personal matters on this thing. So I'll keep it short. My life is it total meltdown mode. And I'm barely staying afloat. I'm just really really scared. I'm wondering if this is the moment where I dare to be great or I completly fail and become what I hate the most. I guess I'll see.
Topic 4: One last thing
Entourage is my favorite show. Before that was The Simpsons, Seinfeld, MI-5, and now this. And I'm lucky to have found it. The character Erik Murphy is a lot like me. I can completly imagine being more like him as I grow older.

Next Post: Who knows...I have so many more ideas

Greeks...and there phaton

2006-01-08T06:03:00.002-06:00

The greeks believed that everything was fate. The gods constructed this life for you when you were born and that's the way it was. If they wanted you to get stabbed by a spear at the age of 14, that's what would happen, it was unavoidable. Now that were in America in 2006 (wow that's weird), we are in a society of confusion, of choices. Do I become a Psychologist or a teacher? Get married to one girl or think about another, keep a kid or have an abortion, or move to Arizona or stay here. All viable choices...and yet they plague us everyday. What do we do? Life's desiscions keep getting bigger as we grow older. First it was little choices, like should I go out with that girl even though I don't think she's right for me. Then we went to college and it was what college to go to if any. Now as we move on into the real world (some of us faster than others), we are faced with these completly life altering choices, that set the path for our lives thereafter. So what should we do? If we take the safe, comfortable choice we always think....WHAT IF?? A horrible way to live. But if we take that risk...and we regret it, it's hard to turn back. Also, a horrible way to live. I think what I may have left out one thing. In one of these choices, there's chance for something we all strive for...magic. This golden ring I speak of, is that feeling you get when the unexpected happens. This comes in many forms; love, compassion, inspiration, success, and more. And it's that chance for magic that makes us confused and seemingly stuck forever in an indisicive void. It's hell, but if you ask me...it's the only reason to live.

Next Post: maybe I'll get to Entourage....maybe I'll write more important stuff

Goodbye old friend, 2005...

2006-01-05T16:43:00.000-06:00

Well, 2005 is finally over and what a ride it was. I had ups and downs throughout the year, in ways I never thought I could. A new relationship started, an old friendship ended, the White Sox won the World Series and old friends came back in a huge way. So here I am, almost 22 years old and thinking about how old I am and how I should be graduating. But I'm not. 2006 proves to be pretty crazy in itself already. And I'm excited for it. I guess that's all I really have to say.
Next Post: The Abyss..and a dash of Entourage

Home for the holidays!

2005-12-28T06:54:00.000-06:00

So I'm home finally. And as any member of an on-again off-again disfunctional family will tell you, the holidays are a scary scary time. They usually offer stress, fighting, dissapointment and you get that feeling that a large piano should fall on your head or you should be shumshed by a semi....or maybe a semi filled with pianos, each of them falling on you at once. But SUPRISE! This holiday season hasn't been so bad. There were presents, glee, and we were about 2 steps away from looking like a Tv special. You know the ones, with Bing Crosby singing to his fake kids who all look eerily alike. But me and my brother put an abrupt stop to that. We mumbled stuff under our breaths, made fun of all family members alike (especially each other) and chatted heartily. The good thing about holidays is, there is this magic about it. Family is around and for some reason over joyed to actually see you, the food makes people happy, and I'm sure anti-depressants have something to do with it. The weather wasn't exactly wintery...more British than anything else, but it was good all around.
Then it set in...dreadfully so. The family started annoying you. You looked at them weird as the glimmer of normalcy died, and in came judgement. What good is any family without a good ol' fashioned grilling of ones life. What are you gonna do with your life? When are you going to graduate? Why are you with so and so when the other so and so is better? So you suddenly feel trapped, like Guatanamo Bay is the holiday fucking inn. Why is that? I dealt with these people for 18 years straight and suddenly spending two weeks with them is a fate worse than death. I wonder...
NEXT POST: Less life sucks, more boring crap

Finals and Hurricanes...a deadly combination...really

2005-12-08T12:30:00.000-06:00

It's that time again. Finals time...
room closing in, seeing bright light, murder after with ax....can't run, only...in...slow....motion.
Yeah...anxiety with a shot of elation. It's more stressful for some than others...for me, it's my entire future...and it's lookin' pretty bad. But eh, I'll live. Let's talk about you! Or the world at least.

I think the world is self destructing. Call me paranoid...call me Sally if ya want, but it's true. This bitter fuckin' winter cold is killin' me. Check out your local weather...COLD, icy, car crash...cue picture of car crash, stranded motorists...followed by a delightful little joke...oh look at the snow, the kids will enjoy that...cue kids with sleds, smiling! Tsunamis, Hurricanes, Tornados...all at record highs. It's scary....global warming will kill us all. The salt in the Atlantic ocean keeps us warm...this is why we're not Sybyria (who can spell these days?) which is actually north of us./ True story..yeah look it up! So get ready kids...it's about to be real cold up in this bitch.

Next Post: Less "sense of impending doom", more Holiday cheer

Like a Virgin, I'm kinda nervous....but mostly excited

2005-12-06T13:39:00.000-06:00

So here I am...stewing over what's in my head. I feel angry, lonely, and a little hungry, so I thought I might start a blog. My first post will be an interesting one, to go with the heading I feel like a virgin. Unsure of what to do, but havin' a definitive purpose in mind. So here it is.

This Just In!: Carroll College Sucks!! Many of you might have noticed that the state of affairs at Carroll is quite dire. The fun is systematically being sucked out of this school at an ever increasing pace. When I started at Carroll a mere 2 and a half year ago, the party scene was pretty much what I expected for a college....crazy. On any given Saturday, you had as many as 7 parties to choose from....7! The smallest amount was 2. Homecoming was the biggest partying time of the year (Spring Fling exempt), with as I remember about 10 parties to go to. The cool thing to do was party hop, going from one house to another, stating "This place is dead anyways man" as your friends asked to leave. The common scene of 20 or so freshman staggering back to their dorms across overflow was my favorite event to watch. The best is when one drunk girl was carrying another, while this creepy dude following them home stared at their asses. I still laugh when I think about hearing those same two girls at brunch the next morning about how they both rejected him. I know what you're thinking, that guy isn't me...my rejection stories are much worse. But I regress, basically what I'm trying to say is that the party scene was out of control. Not like "call the cops" crazy...it was like "I can't believe that just fuckin' happened!" crazy. Carroll is a much different place now. Parties are being cracked down on so it is less and less lucritive to throw a party. The fines are astronomical! Add to that, the college supposedly gave a list of houses where Carroll students live to the police to watch for parties. Now, on a given Saturday, you'll have one, maybe two parties....if any. What happened to the days of streaking accross the quad, or drinking until you forgot who you made out with the night before. THAT is what college is all about! Not this Brady bunch bullshit.

Next Post:
Less complaining...more incoherence